ID Lounge Humour

Discussion in 'ID Members Lounge' started by instar, Dec 5, 2004.

  1. instar

    instar New Member

    Tribal Wisdom
    This would probably this sound very familiar to some!
    The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. In government however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:
    1. Buying a stronger whip.
    2. Changing riders.
    3. Threatening the horse with termination.
    4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
    5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
    6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
    7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living-impaired".
    8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
    9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
    10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
    11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.
    12. Declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
    13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
    14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position


    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

    It was a historical inevitability.

    Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

    This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

    I don't remember.

    The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

    I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

    And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

    You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

    Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

    The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

    Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

    Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

    The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

    To die. In the rain.

    Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.
    The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

    I missed one?

    Doctor Bob
    Doctor Bob slept with one of his patients and felt guilty about doing so all the next day.

    No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

    The guilt and sense of shame and betrayal were overwhelming.

    Still every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him, "Bob, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And besides, you're single. Let it go."

    But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality. "Bob, you're a veterinarian"

  2. pineappleupsidedown

    pineappleupsidedown Premium Member

    i never heard the first one before, very funny

  3. Zsandmann

    Zsandmann Premium Member

    Yes very funny, I really like the chicken 'quotes'.

    Now to figure out why the monkey fell from the tree?
  4. SASanator

    SASanator New Member

    The monkey fell because he was dead,

    The second monkey fell because he was tied to the dead monkey,

    The third monkey fell because he thought it was a game!