Chit Chat Funny Jokes?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Ape, Mar 21, 2005.

  1. Ape

    Ape Premium Member

    Well weve had many serious conversations but why not losen up alittle bit? I was curious if anyone knew any funny jokes. Just a change.
    I'll start.

    Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-freaking-believable!"


    Edited for language-- ;) JCMinJapan

    [Edited on 22-3-2005 by JcMinJapan]
     
  2. Ape

    Ape Premium Member

    No one has a sense of humor?! :brkdnc: :pbjtime: :pbjtime: :pbjtime: :moon:
     
  3. Bleys

    Bleys Phoenix Takes Flight Staff Member

    :lol: LMAO.

    Ok here's mine....

    What does DNA stand for?



















    National Association of Dyslexics

    B.
     
  4. JcMinJapan

    JcMinJapan Premium Member

    Love, Lust and Marriage

    Love: When you take a bubble bath together
    Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
    Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

    Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
    Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
    Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

    Love: Giving your love some candy
    Lust: Thinking you are the candy
    Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

    Love: A night out at the symphony
    Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
    Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

    Love: French perfume
    Lust: Brut aftershave
    Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

    Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
    Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
    Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room

    Love: Long drives through the countryside
    Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
    Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
     
  5. Bleys

    Bleys Phoenix Takes Flight Staff Member

    :ham:


    JC - you have completely depressed the heck out of me. My life in a nutshell.



    B.
     
  6. mscbkc070904

    mscbkc070904 Premium Member

    Ok heres one, its a Thanksgiving one

    This old man has a serious gas problem and every morning he likes to pass gas in the sheets and make his wife smell it. One morning she wakes up and tells him, "One of these days you are gonna fart so hard you gonna crap your intestines"

    Thanksgiving morning, the old lady gets up and the old man passes another one, she gets up in disgust and heads downstairs.

    While she is taking the insides out of the turkey, she looks down at it and looks up and says, "I'll fix him good". She heads upstairs and pull the sheets back a little and puts the turkey insides near her husbands rear end and heads back down stairs.

    About half hr passes by and she hears her husband scream upstairs, she giggles, shakign her head saying to herself, "I told him".

    Another half hr passes and he comes downstairs. She smiles at him. He looks at her and says, "Sweetie you were right, I should have listened, but Thank the Lord, with a little bit of elbow grease, I got those intestines back up in there!"
     
  7. malik

    malik Premium Member

    A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

    He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

    Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

    The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

    The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

    The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

    Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

    The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

    The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

    Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

    :frog::bounce::frog::bash:
     
  8. Ape

    Ape Premium Member

    mscbkc070904 BWAHAHAHAHAH!! oops.......(finds intestines on floor)
     
  9. Ape

    Ape Premium Member

    Ok heres another.

    A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in s**t (poo) up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with (poo) up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with (poo) up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
     
  10. bodebliss

    bodebliss The Zoc-La of Kromm-B Premium Member

    A saleman stops at a farmers house. On the way to the door he notices a pig in a pen with a wooden leg. When the farmer answers the knock on the door, the salesman says,"On the way to your door, I noticed a pig in a pen with a wooden leg." The farmer says,"That pig is amazing! Let me tell you about that pig. One year ago, at night our house caught on fire. The pig broke out of his pen, broke down the door, woke us up, and saved our lives." Salesman says, "That is amazing!"
    The farmer says, "Now that ain't all. Six months ago, my tractor overturned in the field and trapped me underneath. Well the pig broke out of it's pen, got a jack, and jacked up the tractor. He saved my life!" Salesman says, "That is amazing!" The farmer says, " Wait there's more. Three months ago, my boy fell in the duck pond and starts drowning. The pig breaks out of his pen and rescues my boy and saves his life." The salesman says, "This is just the most fantastic story I've ever heard, but it still don't explain the wooden leg." The farmer pauses a moment and confides in a more hushed tone, "Well...you know when you got a pig that's that fantastic you don't go and eat him all at once."





    [Edited on 3-24-2005 by bodebliss]
     
  11. _Angel_1991

    _Angel_1991 Premium Member

    Bleys, my answer is... the answer is
    DNA STANDS FOR: Dan's Not Asian
    :lol::ham::ham::ham:

    Umm, if you don't get it.... U2U me.
    EDIT: sry, Bleys, I didn't see the bottom of your response.

    [Edited on 3-23-2005 by _Angel_1991]
     
  12. bodebliss

    bodebliss The Zoc-La of Kromm-B Premium Member

    A woman walks into a doctors office after a golf outing complaining of a bee sting.

    So the doctor inquires,"Where did it get you?"

    The woman says, "Between the first and second hole"

    And the doctor says,"Gee, I didn't know there was that much space down there"

    [Edited on 3-27-2005 by bodebliss]
     
  13. tablet

    tablet Premium Member

    Credit goes to the one who came up with this idea. The original version is “I see dumb people.” But I took it and remove that word…

    So, what do you see? I see Spy. They’re everywhere… they walk around like everyone else… not many of us know it… and… some of them… they post here!




    [​IMG]
     
  14. mscbkc070904

    mscbkc070904 Premium Member

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
    Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until
    one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
    arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

    The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

    LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

    POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

    LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

    POLE: "It made of concrete."

    LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

    POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

    LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
    POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

    LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

    POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
    LAWYER: "Does your wife beat you up?"

    POLE: "No, I always up before her."

    LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

    POLE: "No, she white."

    LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

    POLE: "She going to kill me."

    LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

    POLE: "I got proof."

    LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

    POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
    shelf in bathroom.
    I can read, and it say, Polish Remover'."
     
  15. mscbkc070904

    mscbkc070904 Premium Member

    Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.......by David Letterman

    10. The cucumber has left the salad.

    9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

    8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

    7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

    6. Elvis is leaving the building.

    5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

    4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

    3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

    2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

    And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

    1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
     
  16. Bleys

    Bleys Phoenix Takes Flight Staff Member

    :frog:

    I"ll try one more....

    A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure when he found an old lamp. He rubbed it and out came a genie. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but know that your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, giving him a mansion and his ex-wife two. The man then said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted his wish and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Now scare me half to death."

    B.

    :spam:
     
  17. mscbkc070904

    mscbkc070904 Premium Member

    Blonde Easter

    Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

    St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

    The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."

    "Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

    The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

    St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

    The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

    "Oh?" says St. Peter incredulously.

    Easter is the Chirstian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples.

    The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

    St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues,

    "Every year the boulder is moved aside so Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
     
  18. mindwalker

    mindwalker New Member

    OK here' one.................

    Daddy bear comes downstairs into the dining room and says
    " Someone has been eating my porridge !! ".
    Baby bear comes downstairs into the dining room and says
    " Someone's eaten my porridge too !! ".
    Just then Mummy bear walks in fron the kitchen and says
    " You stupid sods............I haven't even made it yet !! "
     
  19. mscbkc070904

    mscbkc070904 Premium Member

    Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

    Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".

    Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
    that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
    telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
     
  20. mscbkc070904

    mscbkc070904 Premium Member

    WOMEN'S BUTT SIZE STUDY


    There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their
    Butts! I thought the results were pretty interesting:

    85% of women think their butt is too fat...

    10% of women think their Butt is too skinny...

    The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good
    man, and they would have married him anyway.

    (Had to substitute a word for content, but enjoy, I know the females will)